Inspired by change, challenge and creativity

Conversations In The Garden-On Judgment

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“Once in a golden hour
I cast to earth a seed.
Up there came a flower,
The people said, a weed.”
― Alfred Lord Tennyson

 

 

 

When spring rolls around, my garden is filled with birds all looking for a spot to nest and raise their young.  They are very territorial, and inevitably fights break out as they did this past May with the hummingbirds.  There are clashes as one bird runs another out of a nesting box or destroys a nest or fights over a feeder.  And there are times when some try to run me out of my garden….darn swallows.

 

 

But there is one rule in my garden, that we must treat each other with respect and kindness.  I know these are birds, and they are driven by primal instinct, but I still do have to have a few words with some birds.

 

 

IMG_3579Yes, I know I am judging the actions of birds based on my own perceptions of life, and it is rather silly.  But no more silly than when we judge others and their actions based on how WE think they should act.  I find not judging ourselves and others is a difficult habit to break.  Last week I focused on accepting myself more, and judging myself less.  Now I am drawn to this habit of judging others, and how I am trying to lessen these instances of judgment too.

 

 

Of course it is only natural that we judge.  We judge someone innocent or guilty in a court of law.  We make ‘judgment calls’ as we make decisions.  And it is human to look at a situation, and think if we would do the same thing or how we might change a situation.  Most of the time, these judgments are based on our way of looking at the world.  It does not usually consider the other person’s life and reasons for their actions as we don’t always know these.  And am I so perfect, that I know for a fact that I have never behaved in this way or ever will.

 

 

Is there so little compassion for other’s and their lives, their trials, their imperfections?  Can we not forgive, move on or try to help instead?  And here’s another thought….their life and actions are not about me.  Someone did not just cut me off on the highway because they didn’t like me, or my car or simply because they were a jerk (OK not usually though).  Perhaps they were delayed and know that if they don’t get to work on time they will be fired.  Have I ever been in such a hurry that I cut someone off…I am sure I have, and usually I wasn’t even aware of it or said, ‘oops sorry but I’m in a hurry.’   No excuses for our behavior, just the reality of life as it streams by.

 

 

DSCN5616When I hear my judgy voice start, I also hear my dad’s voice saying….’now Donna, you don’t know the circumstances…have you never felt like this before.’  And I begin replacing the judgment with either compassion or a ‘let it go’ attitude instead.   After all when I am in a judgment frame of mind, it is usually followed by anger and frustration.  And who wants to feel upset.

 

 

We all have our own taste in things…we know what we like, and what we don’t like.  But it is when I start judging others by my likes, that I need to step back.  This is where I started my change in thinking about judgment.  So I don’t like Rap music.  OK, but I don’t have to judge someone as having no taste in music if they like it.  You’ve heard the judgements:   why can’t a neighbor keep a more attractive yard free from clutter….then there are those outfits we see some people wearing out in public…what were they thinking….it goes on and on.

 

 

So I am starting to practice less judgment and more compassion.  I can dislike someone’s behavior, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like them or think they are a jerk.  I have a choice really.  I can let it go or have a compassionate talk with them about it.  I can educate them, and model a different way.  But in the end their behavior is about their lives, and where they are on their journey.  I cannot change their behavior, only they can if it is what they want.

 

 

IMG_2807And there is no point in labeling their behavior selfish, stupid, mean or any other name you want to pick.  Because it has no meaning for them, and it just adds to negative feelings for me.  I can’t stop anyone else from judging others, but I can be a model of compassion instead.  And hope that with my showing more compassion toward others, they might judge less.

 

 

 

 

Special Note:   The flowers shown here are yellow marigolds.  In The Language of Flowers, yellow marigolds represent self-judgement.

 

 

 

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I leave you with more thoughts about judgment.  Feel free to download this photo and share.

judgment

All other photos and original content is copyrighted and the sole property of Donna Donabella @ Living From Happiness, 2014-2015.  Any reprints or use of other photos or content is by permission only.

18 Comments

  1. July 16, 2015    

    sound like your Dad steered you to the non-judgemental road Donna – a bit like Atticus in him maybe – a good start in life you had

    • July 18, 2015    

      He did indeed Laura and he always reminded me of Atticus which is one reason I love the book.

  2. July 16, 2015    

    I do try hard not to judge, but some things (cruelty) for example are always wrong.
    Being far from perfect if I do feel obliged to say something I will try and do so as gently as possible.
    Yellow marigolds represent self-judgement? No wonder I am not as fond of them as I am of many other plants. My self judgement is almost always harsh.
    Another thought provoking post. Thank you.

    • July 18, 2015    

      You are most welcome Soosie….we are most harsh on ourselves….I still struggle with it.

  3. July 16, 2015    

    They say we are not punished for the sin but by the sin, and I began to feel punished by my unwillingness to forgive.”
    ― Anne Lamott, Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith

    I return to a lesson taught by my Mom – whatever I practice most is what I’ll be best at. If I practice judging (myself or others), that is what I’ll be good at. If I practice forgiveness, well, same thing holds. There are not just two sides to every story but more often three or four. As it happens, what I don’t know, CAN hurt me, when I turn it to harsh judgement.

    • July 18, 2015    

      Once again Deb your comment is wonderful and your mom was right….and I will remember this and practice what I want to be good at.

  4. July 16, 2015    

    This post could have been headed “Gina please read, this is for you”. I’m fighting my inclination to be judgemental every day. I know it’s a learned habit from my mother who sees nothing wrong in it as long as it’s not aimed at her and will quite happily point out people’s ‘faults’, and loudly, . I however don’t like feeling like this and will actively avoid social situations in her company. I make an effort to catch myself before the thoughts take hold, not always easy. I now always try and counter act these thoughts with finding the good – So that large lady really shouldn’t be wearing those tight shorts so I try and think well done you for not giving a damn what people and society think. That sort of thing . IT’s not easy but on the whole I think I’m winning.

    • July 18, 2015    

      Oh Gina I can relate….I learned this from family as well….and it is hard to be with them when they judge….I also find it hard to be with friends and acquaintances and have had to remove myself from gatherings when it gets too bad…..your strategy for countering is wonderful and I think you are winning too!

  5. July 17, 2015    

    I try to see things from the other persons perspective and am often quite good at it. But even so I sometimes find myself being judgmental against my will…

    I do believe that in being judgmental the person we really hurt is our-self!

  6. July 17, 2015    

    I have the feeling that growing older takes some judgement from us because we have seen ourselves be that person who cuts in front of another, or who—in a moment of inattentiveness—doesn’t hold the door open behind us. When we see that we do all those things too when we aren’t present, we are kinder. Both to other people and ourselves.

    • July 18, 2015    

      A wonderful explanation Susan….I do believe you have struck on the truth of it.

  7. July 19, 2015    

    Great subject and enjoyed reading all the comments as well. Something I’m sure we all struggle with! Thank you!

    • July 19, 2015    

      Thanks for visiting Robin and glad you enjoyed the post!

  8. July 20, 2015    

    I always liked the psychologist Carl Rogers’s suggestion that we think of other people as like beautiful sunsets. We don’t look at a sunset and say, “Well, it’s nice, but it would be much better if there were a little more violet at the bottom and if that orange had a bit more of a rosy tint.” Instead, we enjoy the unique beauty of each sunset (or, for us morning types, sunrise) without comparing it with other sunsets.

    • July 20, 2015    

      Jean that is just superb…and I don’t think I can ever not see it now….each person as a beautiful sunset or sunrise! Fabulous!! Thanks for sharing this….

  9. July 27, 2015    

    It is hard not to judge sometimes. At times behavior is so obvious or deliberate that one chooses to make the silent decision to avoid rather than make the issue on a person or BIRD! Swallows need homes too, no matter how much we prefer the bluebirds. BTY, one was in my garden the first time ever last week. I was floored seeing it living in the city.

    • July 27, 2015    

      How great to see a bluebird Donna. We love seeing tree swallows take one of the houses in the meadow as they do need nests…this year they were late and the house sparrows beat them to it sadly and the bluebirds were no where to be seen.

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